Humour

Humour ............with a bias towards computers & electronics

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Top 10 Things Likely to be Overheard if You Had a Klingon on Your Software Development Team

10) "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"

9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"

8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"

7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"

6) "Our competitors are without honor!"

5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"

4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

 

What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Training Manuals?

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your routine abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 Computer Sales Jargon

NEW = Different color from previous design

ALL NEW= Parts not interchangeable with previous design

EXCLUSIVE = Imported product

UNMATCHED = Almost as good as the competition

DESIGNED SIMPLICITY = Manufacturer used the cheapest components they could find

FOOLPROOF OPERATION = No provision for adjustments

ADVANCED DESIGN = The advertising agency doesn't understand it

IT'S HERE AT LAST! = Eight Months Late

FIELD-TESTED = We think most of the bugs were found by three beta testers

HIGH ACCURACY = Unit on which all parts fit

DIRECT SALES ONLY = We wouldn't give distributors enough margin to make a profit

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT = Project was cancelled six times

REVOLUTIONARY = It's different from our competitors

BREAKTHROUGH = We finally figured out a way to make it work

FUTURISTIC = No other reason why it looks the way it does

DISTINCTIVE = A different shape and color than the others

MAINTENANCE-FREE = Impossible to fix

RE-DESIGNED = Previous faults corrected, we hope...

HAND-CRAFTED = Assembly machines operated without gloves on

PERFORMANCE PROVEN = Will operate through the warranty period

MEETS ALL STANDARDS = Ours, not yours

ALL SOLID-STATE = Heavy as Hell!

BROADCAST QUALITY = Gives a picture and produces noise

HIGH RELIABILITY = We made it work long enough to ship it

SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE = When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound

NEW GENERATION = Old design failed, maybe this one will work

MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS = We got a good deal at a government auction

CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY = You can return it from most airports

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE = Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES = We finally got it to fit together

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED = Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check

MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED = Does things Marketing can't explain

LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY = One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

The Engineer verses The Consultant

A Consultant and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long haul flight. The Consulatnt leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Consultant persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The Consultant, now somewhat agitated, says "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £50." This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Consultant asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the Consultant. Now, it's the Engineer's turn.

He asks the Consultant, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The Consultant looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him £50. The Engineer politely takes the £50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Consultant, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what is the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Consultant £5 and goes back to sleep."
 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

" Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."


What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build the weapons; Civil Engineers build the targets.


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

" Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

" Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472 -- One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb(), one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle()...

Q: How many telephone support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now, exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong...have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: First. although we've heard reports from the field of light bulbs burning out, we believe that they are isolated incidents and do not provide sufficient proof that light bulbs burn out and need to be changed. Second, the bulbs that do burn out do so because of customer error. Third, the technicians that reported the burned-out light bulbs have been reported to Human Resources as not being team players.

Q: How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just find the problems, we don't actually fix the problem.

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3 -- 2 holding the ladder and 1 to screw the bulb into the faucet.

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39712-A. Please use this number for any future references to this light bulb issue.

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light-bulb-change-message.

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office...

Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 pm, and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Microsoft DarknessT as the new industry standard.

Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a lightbulb?
A: It depends on how many burned-out bulbs he brought with him.

Q: How many Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: FouR there to eAt LeMons, axe gravy soup.

Q. How many computer geeks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "What, you mean it's dark in here?"

Q. How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q. How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

Q. How many IBMers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7502439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank," and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A...consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks."

Q. How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

Q. How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adapter card first, which is extra.

Q. How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Just remove the rights of everybody allowed to go into the room.